My Story on Pregnancy & Road to Motherhood

The Dirt on Vegetables Baby Girl coming your way Summer 2020! 

This is the main thing I’ve been cooking these days. 

Oh my gosh, you guys… I get cringy around the word “journey” when it’s used like “let me tell you about my journey...” but now I see why people use it to describe what they are going through or what they have been through. 

The road that led me to this picture of me with a baby bump and the glorious Turks and Caicos sunset as the backdrop was a wild ride with a lot of “bumps” in the road on the way. But I am eager to share it with you fully now that the cat is out of the bag. 

Let me start by saying that if you are a mother of four, or if you are trying for your second child, or if you are single, or if you have been waiting for a long time and praying to have a baby- I want you to remember this: there is no such this as a picture-perfect life or a picture-perfect “journey” to parenthood. 

I just want you to know that whether you are interested in parenthood or not, you are all welcome here to read this story because we all have our struggles in some form or another and the trick is finding the joy in the seasons of hard times as well as the good. 

My hope is that this story encourages you to do just that- no matter where you are in life and what season you are in at the moment: I want you to find joy. As a woman who feels so much better after really sharing my truth, I find that it is imperative that I tell my story in case you are feeling alone, whether it is due to an infertility struggle, or whatever the case may be, because you are not alone.

And so, here I go… #thedirtonpregnancy by #thedirtonvegetables

FIRST OFF, thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of the incredible love and support you have all shown me after making this announcement. Sam and I are so touched and appreciative. Your kind words and well wishes have been giving me life lately, so THANK YOU! 

As promised, I will be telling my honest story with you here and I plan on answering any of your questions along the way. I have been moved by other women who were brave enough to bare their souls and tell share their stories. I have found strength and motivation through their bravery. 

Here is mine- imperfections and all. 

Just a side note: The subject of pregnancy and motherhood, in general, is oftentimes a really sensitive and personal topic, and I want you to know that I understand, I feel you and I see you. I have been putting off writing this post because of this very reason. I am not worried so much about being judged by my own story, but I am very sensitive to the fact that it might trigger some of you who are in the process of a similar struggle. So I plead that you just do the very best to take care of yourself and if this type of blog post is not something you should read right now, please just click off of this post. There will be so many other fantastic posts coming for you here on the site in the next few weeks. 

But this post is for those of you who have been DMing me with all kinds of congrats and questions around pregnancy and motherhood, so let’s jump in from the beginning. 

Sam and I always wanted to have children. We learned very early on into dating that we both LOVE kids. Some of the first conversations we had before we even started dating revolved around our little cousins Ellie, Olivia, and Mary. It was never a question of IF we wanted to be parents- the question was WHEN. 

As much as we adore kids, we were never in a major rush to start a family. We were married after seven years of dating and we didn’t even consider to start trying until three years into the marriage. We just knew that our entire lives would change once we had a baby and we wanted to make sure that we traveled a bunch, settled into our first home in Sleepy Hollow, and just had some good quality time together as a married couple before bringing on a baby. 

We love being married and we thoroughly enjoy our time together as the two of us, so we both didn’t feel any sort of pressure to go down the baby road until we were good and ready. We have had and continue to have many nieces, nephews, and cousins that keep us busy. 

We started talking about starting a family at the beginning of 2018. By nature, I am a very optimistic person, but for some reason, I always had a strange feeling in the very back of my mind that getting pregnant wasn’t going to be an easy road for me, but I didn’t let that feeling become all-consuming. Instead, I decided to be proactive. 

I suggested to Sam that I get all of my hormones tested by my Gynecologist and that both of us should go and get genetic testing done before we started “trying” (another word I find cringy, but I guess the actual phrase is even more cringy, especially with our parents potentially reading this. Yikes). 

The good news? We tested as a “perfect match” genetically speaking to have children, according to the Gynecologist and the test called “Sema 4.” That was a relief! 

My blood work came back and the report looked mostly good except that my prolactin levels were slightly high at 43 (my lab report had the normal range as being from 5-35 for females) and my DHEA levels were high as well. I was sent to the top endocrinologist in the medical group that I have been to my entire life and he told me that although he has seen people get pregnant with my levels, he has also seen people struggle as well.

Prolactin is a hormone that secretes breast milk, but it also affects adipose (fatty) tissue and the body’s metabolism. Raised prolactin levels in a woman who is not pregnant or breastfeeding reduce lipid (fat) metabolism and can potentially stop the ovaries from making the hormone estrogen or inhibit ovulation. 

An MRI was done on my pituitary, which is located by your brain because that is where prolactin is produced. My doctors wanted to make sure that I did not have a tumor on my pituitary because it was a possibility that a tumor could be making my prolactin levels high. They could not find a tumor. However, they did find a cyst on my pancreas when they did the MRI and strongly suggested that I have it removed to rule out that it wasn’t anything serious. 

Sam was in Europe on a work trip when my surgery was booked. It was Valentine’s Day, 2018. I had both my parents by my side though, and the procedure only took an hour. They put me out and went through my mouth down into my pancreas with a camera to remove the cyst. Pretty wild.  

My throat was sore for almost a week and my abdomen was as well, so I took it easy for a little while as I recovered. The tests came back normal for the cyst and it seems to me that I am just a “cysty” person as they found a lot of them in my body. 

I wanted to make sure that I told you this part of the story because this could be what comes with being proactive about your health and fertility… you can go down a medical rabbit hole where you might not find one thing, but you can find a totally different thing that is unrelated to what you were even looking for in the first place. 

 After this procedure, the Endocrinologist suggested I go on a medication called Bromocriptine to lower my prolactin levels.  

Bromocriptine made me so nauseous. I was only able to take it at night in an effort to try and sleep it off, but I would just wake up at 3 AM with the cold shakes, feeling terribly nauseated. I ate a sleeve of Saltines every night, as that is my best personal cure for calming my nausea. 

I gained six pounds in two weeks, I was severely underslept, and I was very ill from battling nausea every night. Sam told me it was time to stop and try something else. This was too much. 

Then, I decided to try natural remedies to lower my prolactin levels like taking B6 every single day and going to acupuncture once every 2-3 weeks. Besides, my prolactin level was at a 43 and the doctor said women can have levels of 150 or even 200, so 43 wasn’t THAT high. Maybe we could get pregnant without medication. That sounded ideal. 

So we began trying naturally for 6 months. 

I stuck with acupuncture (no pun intended) for a year and it was expensive. I went primarily for fertility, but my prolactin levels only went down marginally from 43 to 40. I drank expensive teas as well, but nothing seemed to do the trick. 

Physically, I started to gradually prepare my body as best as I could for fertility, shifting things around with my food and workouts, and I added in some helpful things to help optimize my body for fertility. This is something I had been slowly preparing for over many months, very privately, on my own. (I am happy to share more specific details on this if anyone is curious– just leave a comment below, so I know if you are interested).

You might be wondering why I thought that I wasn’t going to have an easy time getting pregnant in the first place. 

Well, for starters, my cycles weren’t regular at all– they were long, consistently and had been for years. I had a 35-37 day cycle for many years. Also, as a teen and until I was 20 years old, I had a history of very painful ovarian cysts. 

Starting at age 17, I was on birth control for several years because I was told that it was the best way to shrink the cysts. I have been on 7 different kinds of birth controls and they all made me incredibly ill. I couldn’t stay on one type for more than 6 months at a time and I suffered greatly while taking them. 

 In the summer of 2006, I had a cyst that ruptured and tore a hole in my uterus. Emergency surgery was performed to remove the cyst and stitch up the uterus. The doctors told me that they thought everything looked fine and I shouldn’t have an issue getting pregnant. After that, I was never really sure what was going to be the case. 

From that day onward, I never had an ovarian cyst again and I went off birth control entirely by age 20.5. 

 So getting back to the fall of 2018. Was I frustrated at this point?

Not really. 

It had been 6 months and I knew that in my age range you had to go a whole year without being pregnant to be considered “infertile,” according to my Gynecologist. And I knew getting stressed wasn’t going to help or fix the situation. I just continued to keep my chin up and stay proactive. 

What was most stressful at the time, was that we were saying “no” to travel opportunities because we felt that if I was pregnant, it would be too much to commit to an expensive bike trip or weddings that were across the pond. These are things that really bring us joy and we look forward to experiencing all year, but it just felt silly to commit to something like that if there was a chance that we wouldn’t be able to participate. 

Some made it seem like trying to get pregnant is either very stressful or super easy. We actually had a lot of fun throughout the majority of the process. I am obsessed with my husband and we never made sex feel like a chore. We were adamant that we weren’t going to go down that road. That mode of thinking really helped us keep it fun and fresh month after month which I highly recommend. Not an easy road at every single moment, especially if you have been with your partner for many years, but just get creative, giggle, and don’t take yourselves too seriously. 

At the end of 2018, my endocrinologist suggested I try another medication called Cabergoline to lower my prolactin levels and I was on board since natural interventions were not really working. The medication lowered my levels to a normal range and I felt no side effects. 

One cycle later, I was pregnant. I took a pregnancy test in January 2019 and I was THRILLED. I called the doctor right away and the nurse told me my due date was September 27th which is my late uncle’s birthday. I was blown away and could not wait to tell Sam the news. 

He was so excited. We were both so happy.  

A few days later, I realized I was having a miscarriage. I knew it right away. 

There was a lot of blood and I just knew that my pregnancy was terminated. I called Sam at work and I kept myself together. I told him to stay at work because there was nothing he could do about the situation. Nobody knew I was pregnant besides Sam. 

Next, I called my friend Natalie and told her what had happened. She offered to leave work to meet me at the doctor’s office, but I told her that it was not necessary. I would be okay. Then, I called my dad who works in the same office as my gynecologist and I think I had him call my mom. I couldn’t bear to say the words again, especially to my mother who I knew would be crushed after hearing the news. I texted a few more friends/cousins and headed out the door.

On my way to the doctor’s office, Natalie called me and said she was almost at the office. She is an Occupational Therapist and canceled all of her afternoon appointments to be there with me.

I am crying as I write this portion of the story because I am still so touched by this gesture. Sometimes our friends know us better than we know ourselves. I really needed her that day. She has been my friend for over 28 years, so we are more like sisters. This happened over a year ago, but as I type this, it is still so painful. It feels like it happened yesterday. 

I did not have to have a D&C, which was fortunate. It could have been a lot worse, I told myself. 

This part of the story, the miscarriage, is important to share because I don’t feel that many people talk about miscarriages. I didn’t know what to expect. 

I didn’t know that I would be bleeding, unbelievable clot kind of bleeding, for two weeks straight. I didn’t know that I would be bloated and completely exhausted for many days. At the time, I really wished I was more prepared for the physical repercussions of a miscarriage, which is why I want to share my story with you. I had to attend a wedding and put a happy face on when inside, I was totally devastated.

It sucks. It’s messy. And it takes time to heal from the loss physically and emotionally. 

 This miscarriage happened in between two brain surgeries that my mother had to have (all for benign tumors, THANK GOD, but it was still incredibly intense) and I was just 4 weeks shy of a major 10-hour exam I had to pass in order to get my Masters degree in Human Nutrition. I had been working towards this for the past 3 years so the pressure was at an all-time high. 

 I made a commitment that I was not going to let the rest of my fertility journey be defined by my miscarriage because what we tell ourselves is what we physically manifest. I would not feel sorry for myself. I would not let a pregnancy loss overtake me and get me down, but instead, I was going look at what I COULD do about it.

And would do about it.

 The bright side was that we knew that I could get pregnant. That was huge. 

Two more procedures were performed where I had to be put under to remove sizable polyps from my uterus. Doctors thought they were big enough to be preventing pregnancy, but I still wasn’t getting pregnant after the procedures.  

After the procedures, I was on the phone with Natalie and I told her I thought it was time that I saw a fertility specialist and she agreed. Even though my gynecologist said I was not infertile because I got pregnant and advised me to wait another 6 months before visiting a specialist, I just knew in my gut what was right. And Natalie knew too which made me all the more confident that it was time. 

Sam was on board so I went to meet a specialist that was recommended to me by my gyno as well as Natalie’s friend from barre. When I met him, which happened to be on my 4-year wedding anniversary, I knew that I wanted him to be my doctor. He was thorough, smart, and had a good bedside manner.  

It is so important to go with your gut on these things. If I hadn’t seen him, I might not have gotten pregnant for many, many more months.  

He did tests and told me that I had the eggs of a 25-year-old and that there were plenty of eggs. I am 33, so this was great news. 

The doctor told me that he wanted to further investigate why this miscarriage might have happened. 

He had me go to the hospital to perform a Hysterosalpingography or HSG. It is not a big to-do at all, it is just an X-ray test to outline the internal shape of the uterus and show whether the fallopian tubes are blocked. In HSG, a thin tube is threaded through the vagina and cervix. A substance known as contrast material is injected into the uterus. 

It sounds a lot worse than it actually is- in my experience, it didn’t hurt. 

One of my tubes had no dye going through it and the doctor thought it could be damaged. There was no way to really know unless they went in surgically which he highly recommended. 

This had to be done at Weill-Cornell in New York City and there was a chance that they would have to remove the fallopian tube. The doctor explained that I had a much higher chance of getting pregnant if the damaged tube was removed because it was potentially releasing toxins that would most likely kill a fetus.  

Sam and my mom came to the hospital with me and my brother met them there a little while after I went under. I was calm at the time because I had faith everything was going to be okay. Sometimes, it is scarier to be the loved one next to the person about to be operated on, so it is important to stay strong. I remembered that feeling from earlier that year when my mother had to be operated on twice. It was brutal. 

The doctor came out during the laparoscopic procedure and showed my family the broken fallopian tube. It was so badly damaged and it really had to come out, but I left Sam and my mother to ultimately decide once I was under and they could really see what the verdict was. They agreed that it had to be removed. 

 Guesses are that it has been broken since 2006 when I had that ruptured ovarian cyst. It might have damaged my fallopian tube too. My doctor thinks that the broken tube releasing toxins is most likely what caused the miscarriage.

Healing was no picnic. I had HORRIFIC pain in my right shoulder that was so unbearable. They shoot gas inside of you during a laparoscopic procedure to get a better look at what is going on in there, but then the trapped air is caught in your shoulder and I was in agony for two weeks.

No one warned me about this kind of pain, so I am warning you now in case you go through this yourself. My friend Tara has a “saved story” called “surgery” that gives tips on things to do before going through a laparoscopic procedure. Her handle is @nutritionbytara. I wish I had access to this knowledge beforehand. It probably would have helped. 

Four weeks later, Sam and I decided to have an IUI. The doctor told us we could try naturally first to see if it worked, but I was already only working with one fallopian tube, so we figured that we might as well try getting pregnant with intervention. 

Another day. Another doctor appointment.

What is IUI and how does it work?

Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) is a fertility treatment that involves placing sperm inside a woman's uterus to facilitate fertilization. An IUI provides the sperm an advantage by giving it a head start but still requires a sperm to reach and fertilize the egg on its own.

Pretty much they took Sam’s concentrated sperm and put a turkey baster up my “hoo-ha” and straight into the cervix to plant the seed. 

 The first try didn’t work which was a bummer. 

 Maybe I hadn’t fully healed from the surgery, but I also felt that I needed to try and take matters into my own hands. 

 I was determined — yet again– to try and heal with real food & taking my self-care to the even next level. I know for some, this act would stress them out. But for me, it’s the number one power source that we can control, so why wouldn’t I?

So, I decided to step up my game even more. It became my goal, to heal my sweet body, however, I could.

And give myself the best chance possible at getting pregnant— without making myself crazy or trying to be perfect at it, in the process. I went on an anti-inflammatory elimination diet for six weeks. No gluten, no dairy, no soy, no eggs, no caffeine, no alcohol, (obviously no meat because, duh…), and no sugar.  

I did a lot in those weeks, all as an act of love, not feeling annoyed or frustrated by the process. It was hard at times, but I was determined. I added in some more nourishing superfoods daily for cellular health (like spirulina, ashwagandha, medicinal mushrooms, and vegan collagen peptides). 

 I made sure I had a little fat or protein with my veggies at all my meals, so my blood sugar and therefore hormones would stay extra balanced and calm. I took methylated vitamins. I exercised regularly, got weekly reflexology, and just chilled the fuck out, knowing that our story would play out as it was supposed to in time.

That was the physical part.

 But mentally and emotionally, there were also things I knew I needed to tend to as well. Sorry if this is too #woowoo for you guys, but I have found over the years that whenever I am in need of healing (usually physical of some sort), that I also need to pay just as much attention to the mental, emotional, and especially spiritual work that’s required.

 It’s never just one area that holds and gets affected by things.

We get blocked in all of those areas, and they require some extra care and attention to tune into, to fully get better. It’s all a part of our life and health: addressing just one area often times won’t get you where you really want to go, or it takes 100 times as long.

So:

I prayed every morning and wrote in my “five-minute journal” all the things I had to be grateful for in my life. And I would write “I am so grateful that I will become a mama.” I wrote it as if it was a fact in a way to manifest that it would happen. Sam and I both knew it our hearts that somehow, some way, we would become a mama and a poppa. We always knew that. 

Most mornings, I’d read it and pray over it, as a reminder to shift my energy positively.  

I would enter the day with peace, love, and trust. I did the things I could control, and then let go of the rest: of the timing, my healing, and what our story would end up being.

 Every other day, I would have to go to the fertility specialist for bloodwork to track my ovulation. This process went on for months with a $50 copay every time. That part wasn’t awesome, but we knew it would be worth it in the end.  A week before my second major exam (my CNS exam) the doctor told us I was ovulating and it was time for me to have another IUI. 

Ten minutes after we had the IUI done, I looked at Sam and I told him that it worked this time. I was pregnant. He was skeptical, but the only other time I felt this was when I conceived the only other time I was pregnant. 

I was so excited. We really had an actual chance.

A few weeks later, I still had a feeling. This time was just different than every other time except when I was once pregnant. On the Monday before Thanksgiving, I went into the doctor’s office to have my blood drawn for a pregnancy test. No one knew I was going, not even Sam. I didn’t want there to be too much pressure. 

They called me a few hours later to tell me I was PREGNANT. I cried. I was so happy. 

I took a pregnancy test at home right after I got off the phone just so I could see with my own eyes. 

It was positive.

Pregnant.

But I type all of this, not to say: “oh, just make these changes like I did and it will fix everything.” Or that there was one thing that made it happen. I don’t know for certain if eliminating inflammatory foods was helpful. I could not say for sure if it was a coincidence or not. 

Instead, I’m sharing this (in TMI detail, I’m sure) to just show the complete process for me, and the un-blocking of physical, mental, emotional and spiritual pieces. In my experience, I believe that it is something that speeds up any process in life, whether it’s healing, getting healthier, getting pregnant, making a career change, choosing a life partner, etc. 

It’s not the path you take, it’s being all in and finding joy in the process.

Taking care of yourself, on all levels, for healings of all different kinds. Reminding yourself of this daily.  Making sure that you are doing your part, of course, but trusting in the bigger picture. And then being able to surrender it all. “I surrender all” is a mantra I repeat in times like these. 

This sweet little baby is such a gift to me already, in a true testament to that. It’s something I hope I’ll be able to pass on to her one day.

I’m tearing up again as I sit here, typing this. I feel so genuinely thankful. It has been a true miracle I’m witnessing unfolding. Hearing her heartbeat for the first time was the most beautiful sound that I have ever heard in my entire life. 

We told very few people that we were doing an IUI. Our parents did not even know. We felt it was too much pressure to have to then tell a bunch of people two weeks later if we weren’t pregnant. Everyone who knew we were having one asked us regularly, out of love, but it would have been too much if it were more than the two or three people that knew.

We had LOADS of fun telling people that we were pregnant. We pranked our loved ones and it was AWESOME. 

So the number one question I got once I announced I was pregnant is how have you been feeling?

I wish I could say oh, it’s been amayyyyyzing. No big deal. That all that prep work and healthy food really helped me enter pregnancy in a great and super healthy way.

But, in truth, I’ve felt pretty um… not good at all. Not just a little sick or tired here and there, but nauseous all day, every day. I have a phobia of throwing up, so I have been instead eating simple carbs to prevent that from happening, as it is the only sure thing that truly works for me and I gained 8 lbs in my first trimester as a result. 

Throughout the first trimester,  I could not even look at my computer screen or phone for more than 15 minutes at a time, because it would make me so much more nauseous. I definitely couldn’t look at my blog or Instagram, especially the pictures of food. I’m sure some of you noticed, but I went a little MIA there, which also felt stressful in itself.

But life must go on. Especially when you run your own business. 

I still had to cook regularly, which was brutal. 

I had work commitments, travel plans, and a wedding to attend. I had to get through hosting Christmas Eve, missing Christmas with my extended family because I was so sick, and hobbling my way along on New Year’s Eve into 2020.

Yes, that is Sam vacuum cleaning Saltines off of my sweatshirt.

I tried all the things to help– ginger chews, lemon, peppermint, spearmint, essential oils, drinking ginger beer, wearing sea bands everywhere but the shower, taking magnesium nightly, taking my vitamins at night, taking B6 and Unisom together, etc.

I tried eating every 2 hours or so, and in a low moment, ate three bagels in one day. 

Verdict: I didn’t have the desire to eat for 10 hours after that and was able to rest comfortably on the couch at that time. So, maybe not my worst decision.

But still, nothing has really helped besides just trying to stay off screens as much as possible and attempting to sleep when it got too bad. 

Not exactly convenient when you run a business and online platform, but I know it was a lesson in grace and giving myself space and letting up on the pressure. I wanted to cry every day because I was so grateful to my husband who was my rock. I said “jump” and he replied, “how high?” No favor was too obnoxious and I never had to ask for something more than once (except foot rubs, he still needs to work on that).

He even acted like he was thrilled to get to serve my every need. An attitude I greatly appreciated.

Sam-wellness: Sam-well fixing my hair in his studio we call: Chez Sam-well.

The next question I am asked is what have you been eating? 

In truth, for the first 3 months, all I could keep down was berries, saltines, bagels, toast and peanut butter, pizza, grilled cheese with fries, and cereal (I bought protein-rich cereals in an effort to get in anything other than simple carbs, but it didn’t work. The cereal from childhood was the only stuff that did the trick).

By 1 pm I’d be ready to lay down for the day, and by 5 pm I was on the couch usually enduring intense sickness and begging for mercy by 6:30 when Sam would come home from work.

Up through week 14, the only other food I could get down was a few bites of pasta, eggs with cheese and rice with lentils from our Indian restaurant. Not even gluten-free toast or pasta sounded appealing. I’d wash it down with a glass of ginger ale. 

Now, at week 24, I’m finally not still struggling because I am not debilitatingly nauseated. THANK GOD.  It only took 18 weeks!

Up until week 18, I was not feeling great or back to my usual self though.

I’ve been able to try and add back some other things back into my eating routine. I had a Beyond Burger and it went down well. I can eat chickpea pasta again. Salads don’t totally revolt me all of the time anymore and I can have smoothies again. I couldn’t have them for the first three months which was difficult since it is my go-to breakfast. 

I can work much harder now. Launching my new website and meal plans was huge! There are other exciting projects in the works as well. 

The followup question to THAT is HOW have you been working out? 

For me, consistent exercise has always been a part of my daily life for as long as I can remember. So, even on the sickest days, working out and getting in some fresh air or movement of some kind helped me, and continues to do so. Maybe it was purely out of routine and making me feel like my normal self, or maybe it was the movement itself. Either way, that’s still been a big non-negotiable in my day.

I’m not running or doing CrossFit or any of the sort, but my normal barre classes and walking all feel great for the most part. I’m aiming for at least 6,000 steps a day, although I’m A LOT slower than usual at getting there. Now I think it is time for me to get into a little prenatal yoga. Now that we are quarantined because of Coronavirus, I am still doing Pure Barre on Demand videos on a daily basis in my sunroom. They even have workouts specifically for pregnancy! Sam and I also go on daily walks together, especially now that it is warmer out and lighter until later on in the day.

My goal is to just keep moving every day, keep listening to what my body needs, and to keep taking care of myself this way, doing what feels good. The two times I had to leave Pure Barre because I was so sick, I left early. I hated doing it, but you have to listen to your body. 

My follow up post will include what supplements I am taking and what I miss the most. If you’re the praying and sending good vibes type, please send them this way. During this time of the COVID-19 outbreak, there is a lot of uncertainty about pregnancy and how the fetus is potentially affected. We aren’t living in fear, but prayers and good thoughts are ALWAYS welcome.

Ok, well…. this is definitely the longest post I have ever written, so I’m going to stop here. Do you guys want updates? Have any questions? Let me know below.